I Used To Be The Cat

JV: What do you live with Glen?

Glen: It’s my wife. She talks to our cat which is...okay a lot of people talk to their animals, but on the rare occasions in our happy household that there’s a bit of anger perhaps directed at me or one of the children, it could be mid-sentence copping a serve and the cat will walk in and the mood just changes and it’s (puts on happy tone) ‘how are you going today?’ Very happy.

JV: (laughs)

Glen: It’s like the cat can do no wrong and I often wonder what I need to do.

JV: To be more like the cat?

Glen: To be more like the cat, yeah.

JV: Well maybe you should eat out of a bowl on the floor or something?

Glen: Perhaps. And just sleep all day and come in when I want to be fed.

JV: Start doing a bit more of that. Y’know roll over. ‘Rub my tummy.’

Glen: Yeah and then I get a bit crook and get taken off to the vet.

JV: So she talks to the cat. Does she have conversations with the cat?

Glen: Like a human.

JV: Like it’s a human.

Glen: Yep. Yep, basically. I’m only making this call because I know she’s not listening. As I say, myself or one of the kids could have done something wrong...

JV: ‘Glen I asked you to do that earlier why haven’t you done it?’

Glen: Yeah exactly, and then the cat walks in and it's all ‘Oh hello big boy, here you are, what have you been doing today? How’s it been sleeping for 18 of the last 24 hours?’

JV: You’re jealous of the cat.

Glen: Probably, yeah. But...maybe I used to be the cat.

JV: Oh?

Glen: Well yeah held in as high esteem as the cat.

JV: Gee that’s interesting.

Glen: It doesn’t bring any money into the house and it doesn’t do anything around the house as best I can see. Just eats and sleep.

JV: And gets the most favoured treatment.

Glen: Yeah.

JV: Are you in the dog house often so that she has to talk to the cat like that?

Glen: Well yeah I’ve got a habit of saying the wrong thing a fair bit but 19 plus years and we’re still going. You’ve just got to do your best James. Sometimes that’s good enough and sometimes it’s not.

JV: How long’s the cat been around?

Glen: He’s 10.

JV: Could be a few more years of the cat.

Doggy Bag

JV: What do you live with Francis?

Francis: I live with the most annoying husband who, whenever we go for dinner, we’ve got to come home with something that has meat in it – a little bit wrapped up in a serviette – for an overweight jack russel.

JV: (laughs)

Francis: It could be a burger. It could be a bit of ham out of your sandwich or a little bit of chicken off my dinner. The jack russel waits at the laundry door.

JV: So it’s literally a doggy bag

Francis: A doggy bag for a dog, but it has to go into my handbag.

JV: And it’s every single time you go out?

Francis: Every time. It’s embarrassing.

JV: So, you’re at friends’ for dinner...

Francis: Yes?

JV: What will he do?

Francis: ‘Oh can I just take a little bit home for Lou-Lou?’

JV: (laughs)

Francis: And we’ve got to the stage where we carry little zip lock bags.

JV: Oh you’ve got little zip lock bags ready to go? Wow.

Francis: And the kids say ‘Dad, don’t do that’ but no, Lou-lou’s got to have it.

JV: Lou-Lou’s got to have a little bit...and so, you’re saying Lou-Lou knows when you’ve gone out that there’ll be a little meaty treat?

Francis: Definitely! She’s waiting at the laundry door. And it can’t be a big bit. It’s got to be a little bit and he breaks it all up for her.

JV: Oh, that’s lovely really isn’t it?

Francis: Oh she’s a great big, fat, spoilt, jack russel.

JV: A fat jack russel. So it’s like a little barrel?

Francis: It is a barrel. It’s got the tiniest little head and a big round body.

JV: Yeah...I get the feeling you don’t like Lou-Lou that much Francis.

Francis: I love Lou-lou. She doesn’t need all these itty bitty bits all the time.

JV: So is it these itty bitty bits, these post dinner treats that have stacked the weight on Lou-lou?

Francis: Definitely. She will be in bed – my husband’s bed – he will go up to the kitchen and have his breakfast, and he’ll come down with ‘oh just a few’ and he’ll have a handful of meaty bites.

JV: Handful of meaty bites just for Lou-Lou.

Francis: Just for Lou-lou.

JV: Does he realise he’s killing her with kindness?

Francis: I keep telling him that. He took it into the vet because it had lumps on its legs...

JV: Mm.

Francis:...and he came out and said ‘oh there’s nothing wrong, apparently when they put on weight they put these lumps on their legs.’

JV: Right, yeah that’s an interesting way of putting it, isn’t it? Rather than, for example, ‘she’s got to lose some weight.’

Francis: Yes.

JV: Can I point out we’re talking about a dog here, if you’re just joining in.

Francis: Lou- Lou Leigh.

JV: Lou-lou the over-pampered jack russel.

Francis: Yes.

JV: What about fine dining? If you’re out at a lovely restaurant for your anniversary?

Francis: Oh yeah, it’ll be wrapped up in a serviette and in my handbag.

JV: Mm. So he’ll say to the waiter ‘excuse me can you just put this...and there it’s awkward because it’s probably not enough to suggest that you’re taking it home as take away, it’s just a little bit.

Francis: Well I get worried that they think we’re taking it home to test it and see if it’s alright.

JV: Yes.

Francis: So it gets secreted in my handbag. 

JV: So would he just pick it up off the plate?

Francis: He’ll take it off the plate

JV: Nice.

Francis: He’ll get his salad sandwich and he’s always got to have a bit of ham in it. It might be the tiniest piece but he’s got to bring it home for Lou-lou.

JV: Ah dear, well look it’s not such a bad one I suppose. It seems like Lou-lou is really the worse off here.

Francis: She’s just absolutely spoilt.

JV: Yeah, Francis thanks for that. Nice to talk to you and I hope...do you feel better Francis?

Francis: I certainly do. I’ll tell him I’ve been talking to you about it.