The Onsie Phenomenon

JV: What do you live with Melissa?

Melissa: James, my husband came home earlier this week with a gift for me and it was a onsie.

JV: Wow.

Melissa: And I have to blame 702 for this actually because we both heard somebody talking about it on either your program or the Glover program earlier in the week. I, at the time, thought ‘oh how horrible.’ He must have thought ‘that’s a great thing for my wife because she’s always cold. He came home with it on Tuesday or Wednesday night and I was horrified James. It’s white and fluffy.

JV: What does it look like?

Melissa: James, I can’t describe it without laughing. It’s got a hood with little ears on it and a zipper that has little pom-pom things attached and it’s white and fluffy.

JV: And is it decorated in any way, like has it got rabbits on it or...?

Melissa: Oh it’s meant to look like a rabbit I think, with the ears on top of the hood.

JV: Oh it’s got rabbit ears on top of the hood?

Melissa: Yes!

JV: Wow.

Melissa: I’m horrified.

JV: Yeah.

Melissa: But my husband seems a bit insulted that I’m not thrilled at the effort that he went to.

JV: Gee, that’s difficult. So, is it one of those difficult ones where he feels as though...he’s hurt because here he’s thought about you and he’s got you something that he thinks will be really great, and then you’re looking at him going ‘how did you ever think that I would be someone who would like a onesie?’

Melissa: That’s exactly right. I mean there are standards, even at home.

JV: Mm. How long have you been together?

Melissa: Oh, we’ve been married almost 17 years.

JV: Going on to 20 years and suddenly the whole thing is in question really. You’re going ‘you obviously don’t know me at all.’

Melissa: Well, it has crossed my mind.

JV: Wow.

Melissa: We’ve had lots of discussion and more than a few laughs about this thing but I just...I don’t understand how that could be found to be an acceptable dress.

JV: Have you put it on?

Melissa: I had to.

JV: You had to put it on and you didn’t suddenly go ‘oh, I’m so cosy’? Like, I think last night was chilly wasn’t it? Did you try it last night when it was really chilly?

Melissa: The night before was chilly enough. And James, I don’t meant to be snobbish here, but it’s completely synthetic.

JV: Right.

Melissa: It’s not warm at all. It generates static electricity when you walk around.

JV: A cashmere onesie might have been more acceptable?

Melissa: He’s talking about that as an alternative and I’ve just tried to say y’know... He says ‘I’ll get you a posh onsie,’ and I said ‘that’s an oxymoron.’

JV: I don’t know if you can get the tailored Italian merino onsie quite yet.

Melissa: The Italians would never make this.

 

****

 

JV: Hello Kerri?

Kerri: Yes James?

 

JV: What did your husband buy you?

 

Kerri: He bought me a onsie and laid it out on the bed. It was a cub, like a lion cub.

JV: Your husband bought you a lion cub onsie? You came home and there was this lion cub suit?

Kerri: I was saying how chilly it was and how I get cold and there it was. Fleece, the same as the other poor lady had to endure. I can’t begin to tell you where it ends up.

JV: Please do.

Kerri: You turn and twist and it goes in places it shouldn’t go.

JV: (laughs)

Kerri: And it’s hideous. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. It’s hideous.

JV: It’s hideous and...is this a sort of...is it like a kinky thing?

Kerri: No, it’s a bit past that.

JV: But what’s with the husband’s buying the animal onsies for the Mrs?

Kerri: I think they think they’re being kind and just listening to you for once, but I wish he’d listen to me every time he criticises the Bold and the Beautiful.

JV: So, you said ‘I’m a bit cold,’ he buys you a lion cub onesie...are you in the same position as Melissa? ‘Really, you thought I was the kind of person who’d like a lion cub onsie?’

Kerri: I was speechless. I was speechless. I just looked at this thing. He said ‘if you don’t like it, you can cut the head off.’ I was nearly going to cut his off James.

JV: (laughs)

Kerri: I’ve got to go. I’ve got to pick up the kids. Nice to hear your program. Bye.

To The Guest Room Please

*This episode of This Is What I Live With was presented by Dominic Knight.

Chris: Hi Dom, I’ve come to rescue everyone from Michael Buble.

DK: You are too kind. What is it that you live with at your place?

Chris: Well I was astonished when I first met my husband and we started going out. I’d never visited my sisters-in-law - he’s got three sisters - and we trekked up to visit and for him to introduce me, and he promptly went into another room and fell asleep. Apparently this is his habit. He goes to visit people and then he asks for a bed and falls asleep.

DK: So actually in a bed?

Chris: Oh yeah.

DK: Just in the hope that they have a spare room? Does he use their room if they don’t have a spare room?

Chris: Yeah and he did a similar thing when he first went to visit my parents a few months later. He promptly went upstairs and went to sleep.

DK: So at what stage in proceedings does this occur Chris? Is this like half an hour into the meal? Is it before dessert is served? How does it work?

Chris: Oh no, he doesn’t attend the meal.

DK: Oh really?

Chris: No, he just goes to sleep. He’s done his duty by being the chauffeur and then he just falls asleep.

DK: So it’s just a sleeping visit and that’s it? Does he do this on holidays as well? ‘Hello Thailand, where’s the bed?’

Chris: Yeah that’s right. Also, if the cricket’s on, it’s the cricket and the bed.

DK: I knew I loved this segment Chris. So...does he then sleep until it’s time to drive home again?

Chris: Usually the pattern is that about 20 minutes before departure he’ll surface and make a few sarcastic comments and then we go.

DK: How extraordinary. So, the first time this happened, what was going through your head? Were you wondering exactly how long he was going to sleep for?

Chris: Well I was completely flummoxed but then his sisters said ‘oh he does that all the time, that’s just John, don’t worry about it.’

DK: He’s just the sleep guy.

Chris: Yeah!

Spare the Sponges

 

JV: What do you live with John?

John: Well my lovely wife has a sponge...I don’t want to call it a fetish but...when she goes to the grocery store she brings back a dozen or more sponges each time. You know the thin ones that are in the pack? There’s a green, a red, a yellow and a blue.

JV: Mm.

John: So she’ll bring bunches of those home and store them underneath the sink. That’s fine, but she has a different purpose she wants me to use each one for and she has a chart above the sink to tell me which items I’m allowed to clean up with which sponge. She’s laminated it.

JV: Wow. There’s a laminated chart referring to ‘red sponge = kitchen bench.’

John: Well, yeah. Red sponge = benches and tables.

JV: That does seem extreme to me.

John: Kitchen floors is blue.

JV: Yeah.

John: Hands and face is yellow.

JV: Gee. How long do these sponges last? Are they changed every week?

John: Well, I’ll use them two, three, maybe eight times and she’ll do the opposite. She’ll see there’s a bit of discolouration, throw it out, and there’s a brand new one. Especially with the green, which is bathroom surfaces. They don’t last long at all.

JV: And have you tried to talk about the overuse of sponge? The pressure on the sponge population of the world?

John: Well that’s it! I think we’re using more than our share, in this age of share it round, because you can’t donate them y’know? No one will take the ones you’ve used.

JV: I think we’re just talking landfill. Do they degrade quickly? I don’t know.

John: That’s a good point. And what are you actually throwing in landfill with them? What’s caught up in all that sponge that I would normally have just rinsed out?

JV: How much trouble do you get into when you use wrong sponge on wrong surface?

John: (laughs) A short, sharp look. It’s a stern one.

JV: Oh, I hate that look.

John: And maybe an uh-uh-uh-uh!

JV: Oh you get the uh-uh-uh!

John: It’ll stop you in your tracks and then you’ll slowly put that one down. Step away from the yellow sponge and grab the red one.

JV: Wow. John, are there children subjected to this regime?

John: Well, yes, but they get a little bit of leeway. As they get older they’re going to be under the same regime as I am and I don’t see why not, if I have to do it.

JV: Exactly. It’ll be one of the first things that they learn. I’m hoping at show and tell they’ll take the full range of sponges in.

John: And a copy of the chart! Which I’m about to post on your Facebook.

JV: If you would. Thank you.

Smothering the Salad

JV: Francis, what do you live with?

Francis: My partner over-dresses the salad.

JV: Over-dresses the salad?

Francis: Yes. He has a big pot of salad dressing that his mother made him and he overdresses the salad with it. So much so, that there’s about a quarter of a cup of salad dressing on the bottom of the bowl every night.

JV: That does sound too much, doesn’t it?

Francis: It is too much! I don’t know what to do about it.

JV: Do we need to unpack the issue that the mother is making the salad dressing and bringing it over?

Francis: Well I think it was because he was complaining that I wasn’t making a lot of salad dressing. But I knew if I made a lot, it’d all go on there so I just make a tablespoon at a time.

JV: Right. Does he put a lot on the salad and then consume a lot?

Francis: Yes.

JV: Does he try to get as much dressing as he can?

Francis: Yes, he does.

JV: Right, so he likes dressing.

Francis: He loves dressing. He loves it.

JV: What kind of salad dressing is it?

Francis: It’s a balsamic vinegar. Just olive oil with some balsamic, salt and pepper, and garlic.

JV: Could there be a two bowl solution here?

Francis: We’ll we’ve implemented a system where I have to take my leaves out first, put a little bit on, and then he drowns the rest of it. Whereas, I think it could maybe be the reverse.

JV: Well what about plate dressing instead of bowl dressing?

Francis: There’s too much dressing.

JV: But I mean what about dressing the salad when it’s on the plate rather than when it’s in the bowl.

Francis: I don’t know, we haven’t actually tried that method.

JV: You could try that. Serve yourself leaves and then dress to taste.

Francis: That sounds like an easy solution. I don’t know why we haven’t thought of that one.

JV: See I love this. I may be bringing some peace to your household Francis.

Francis: You could well be. It makes me hope for the dead of winter when there’s no salad so something needs to change.